Self-criticism is often an underlying factor in many of the difficulties I work with in counselling sessions, including low self-esteem, depression, anxiety and perfectionism.
We all have an inner critic to a certain extent, but for some of us it shouts louder than for others. We might find the inner critic berates us for making a mistake, tells us we are not good enough or calls us names. It is likely that it will be demanding that we do better next time. This puts more pressure on us for the future. Feelings of frustration, disappointment, and even anger or contempt often accompany self-criticism. It is generally associated with a concern about what other people think. Frequently it is linked to the fear of damaging interpersonal relationships, being perceived as inadequate in some way and being rejected.
What causes the inner critic to develop?
We usually become self-critical as a result of experiences fairly early on in our lives of having been criticised by others, or bullied during childhood or adolescence. We internalise the harsh words of others and then we direct them towards ourselves. It can also develop as a result of significant adults in our lives not acknowledging, praising or celebrating our achievements. We may have concluded from this that we weren’t good enough in their minds and needed to try harder. Self-criticising was a way to try to push ourselves to do so. We might also have developed perfectionist tendencies, striving to win their approval or avoid their criticism.
Self-criticism usually happens in what is known as “The Disappointment Gap”, when there is a difference between how we would ideally like to be and how we actually are. When we equate how we actually are with how we really don’t want to be, then we are likely to experience shame, a close relation of self-criticism. When we criticise ourselves, it has the same effect on the brain as someone else criticising us. We tend to feel demoralised and unmotivated. This can ultimately lead to low mood, anxiety and a lack of confidence.
Reducing self-criticism
There is an alternative to this disempowering self-criticism. We can learn to be kinder, and more supportive and encouraging towards ourselves. Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) is an approach that has been specifically developed to help us move away from self-criticism by cultivating the compassionate part of us. It activates our parasympathetic nervous system using breathing and imagery exercises to enable us to self-soothe. This brings about a sense of calmness, contentedness and connectedness.
Part of the process of working with self-criticism involves understanding the inner critic better; where it has come from, how it might be trying to help or protect us, and what it needs to allow it to ease off. We can also learn how to transform self-criticism into a more compassionate way of thinking and being with ourselves. We can still focus on future improvement and growth, but achieve it through more constructive means, supporting and encouraging ourselves.
By working on developing greater self-compassion, over time, the voice of the inner critic will quieten and become less frequent. And when it does speak up we will be able to relate to it differently, so that it has less of an impact on our wellbeing.
If you live in the Exeter area and would like to learn more about how to reduce self-criticism, I will be facilitating a workshop on this subject on Monday 2nd June, 7-9pm – please see here for further details. I also offer individual counselling in Newton Abbot, Exeter and online, which can include working on self-criticism.
AI was not used in the writing of this blog post.